I Keep Burning On and On
by holygoof101
Summary: Just because Brody should be perfect for her, doesn't mean its natural or right. Rachel POV Drabble/oneshot thing.


A/N: This is what happens when I drink cheap horrible substances that claim to be beer. They're not. I'm also for the most part 4 episodes behind so screw accuracy. Since it's the only way I know how to write now little ridiculously choppy pointless piece is just to get me back in the swing of writing. Part of it comes from Nobody's You by Matt Wertz however the title (and some of it) comes from Bonfire by Third Eye Blind. I have a game to worry about. Who Dat?! The end. Unless you're actually going to read this... Then continue on... Hope it's not totally subpar….

0000

After everything is said and done it all she wants to do is get to a quiet place so she can make a call. It doesn't happen as quickly as she'd like but eventually she manages to sneak away into the hallway. Her fingers touch the screen and she dials the number. It just seems to come natural.

The thought she's violating a no contact policy doesn't even cross her mind until she's already dial the number. It makes her heart race wondering if he's going to pick up and for the seconds it takes the phone to ring she wishes she'd never remembered or even agreed to the stupid no contact policy because he's the only person she wants to talk to. She's just had this monumental moment in her life and he's the first person she wants to talk about it with. It doesn't matter that Kurt's right there, or that she kissed Brody just moments before she went to perform. The only person she wants to share this moment with is the same person she's shared all these moments with. The only person she wants to share this moment with is Finn and now she's wondering if he'll even pick up. But then he does, and her heart soars. It's both relieving and terrifying at the same time because while he's talking about butt dialing, she's wondering if she'll ever stop waiting for him to pick up.

0000

She and Brody become an official couple. It happens when she gets back from Christmas break and it happens in a completely different way than she's used to. There's a couple of dated before the new semester starts and there's some kissing. And there's a lot of him hanging around her apartment. But there's no chasing, and there's no big gestures. No I love yous before performances, no songs to each other. The way she ends up half of a couple this time just kind of happens. It's something they just transition into.

It happens to easily that the whole thing should feel natural. Except when the first day of classes rolls around and they're holding hands walking down the hallway he stops to kiss her. There are people whispering loud enough to be heard about how they saw it coming and how they're too perfect together. Whispers loud enough to be heard about how they'll be the perfect Broadway couple together. Whispers loud enough to be heard that make her wish they weren't talking about them at all.

Despite the whispers she leans forward and accepts his kiss. She puts his hand on his chest like it's something that comes natural and smiles as she turns into her classroom. No one can tell that her smile is hiding the fact that the kiss she just shared in the hallway is the most unnatural thing she's ever felt.

0000

Sometimes she forgets that things are different. That she's in New York and not Lima. That she's not some moon eyed girl dreaming big dreams, that some of her dreams are coming true. Sometimes she forgets these things and it always happens at the same time. It always happens when Brody kisses her in certain places that she forgets. It happens when Brody kisses her in spots that only Finn is suppose to know that she forgets. And for the brief seconds that she forgets where she is and who she's with, she sees Finn and everything feels natural for a second.  
She applauds her talent as an actress for being able to swat Brody away with a laugh when she comes back to reality giving him no clue as to where her mind has actually been. At some point all dreams and reality will collide, she's just not at that point yet. She not quite ready to rid herself of that last dream.

0000

She's waiting to get on a train to Lima the first time Brody tells her he loves her.  
It's not like the last time she got on a train. This time she planned to get on the train. She wasn't surprised with the trip. She's not standing on the platform crying. She knows what's coming next. There's no tears. There's no uncertainty.  
Or at least there wasn't until Brody said four words.

"I love you, Rachel."

She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know what to say. She wishes the train hadn't been a few minutes late boarding, giving him the chance to say that. Of course he probably would have said it even if the train had been on time but she still wouldn't have known what to do. Everything has been so perfect with him; everything has come so easily but love... It's a word she's only used that way with one other person. And then the words always seemed to just jump out of her mouth. But isn't that person and the words aren't jumping now.

She knows she could say them; she could make them come out if she wanted to. But there's a line between acting and lying that she's been walking for far too long now, and she refuses to cross into lying. Instead she leans forward and kisses his cheek before she grabs her bag and quickly boards the train to Lima.

She sees him half hearted waving from the platform as the train leaves. And she knows her actions could mean the end of them but at least she didn't lie to him.

0000

Three days and hundreds of text messages later she's still digesting what happened between her and Brody at the train station. She still can't say the words back and she still can't explain to herself why. Or maybe it's that she just doesn't want to admit why.

00000

Kurt and Blaine show up the first Saturday she's home. Kurt fusses at her for ignoring his calls, and Blaine dances around her room before they both end up jumping on her bed until they bounce her off of it and make her agree to come out with them. Kurt hides her phone and they don't tell her where they're going. She's grateful they showed up otherwise she'd have stayed at her endlessly texting Brody trying to reach an impossible conclusion.

She's grateful right up until she realizes the bonfire by the lake they're at is an end of the year bonfire for the glee club. The glee club Finn has spent majority of his year running. Even if it's not her fault it's still another violation of the no contact policy she swore she wouldn't violate again after Christmas. And she hasn't, she hasn't actually talked to Finn since Christmas, that doesn't mean she hasn't kept up with him through Kurt bit she's still trying to do what he asked. Showing up at his bonfire isn't what he asked at all, and it certainly isn't something that's going to help her figure out her situation with her maybe still boyfriend back in New York. She'd can't help but think she'd be better off sitting in her room exchanging endless text messages.

"Hey Rachel. Sorry."

Something hits her feet and she looks down just in time to see Finn picking up a football and standing to throw it toward a kid who look a lot like a really young version of Puck. Blaine quickly explains that it's Puck's younger brother then proceeds to give her the run down on all the new kids that have come to glee club and how Finn kept them all together. She's happy the club is flourishing. She takes pride in having a part of something so special. But as Blaine talks and explains she's still watching Finn and more than anything else she's proud of him. And she's happy for him.

At one point he before he tosses the football he looks back in their direction and smiles. She swears he's smiling her at like it's the most natural thing he can do. Like he'll keep giving her that goofy half smile for the rest of her life. But his head turns around quickly before she has a chance to think about it too much. His head turns around before she has a chance to give him a smile back.

0000

She manages to wander away while Blaine helps the other glee kids put out the bonfire. Kurt is busy directing and going on about getting thing cleaned up before the rain comes.

She's standing on the edge of the lake by herself when she feels someone behind her. Not someone, she feels Finn standing behind her, she knows because the baby hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Some people say that's supposed to mean there's a ghost with you, but for her it's always meant one thing. It's always meant Finn was near. She doesn't have to turn around to know it. It's the first time they've been alone in ages even if they're not really alone.

The wind coming off the lake cause her to shiver and he takes that as a chance to break the ice by making a comment about how it's a little cold for this time of year. Then he starts to talk. He starts to talk more than she's ever heard him talk. He explains how if it weren't for her there might not be a glee club to be having a bonfire. How she inspired him, how even when she's hundreds of miles away she's still the heart of glee club, even if it won't mean anything to her in a few years when she's a big star.

"It will always mean something to me." She finally turns around and whispers to him. It's the truth; glee club will always mean something to her. It will always be special to her. But it's not really want she means. Her hand lands on his chest and she looks up at him. For a moment she forgets, she forgets that time has passed. She forgets about New York and Brody and everything else. She forgets about herself makeover and she's just a moon eyed girl looking at the boy she loved.

A lightning bolt crashes in the distance and she jumps into him and grabs his shirt. He gives her that goofy half smile again and she looks up again. She's not looking at the boy she loved; she's looking at the man she loves. The man she'll always love. He leans down and she meets him halfway to kiss him. In that moment all the doubt she's felt over the last year makes sense because kissing Finn... It's still the most natural thing she's ever felt.

000

After that night things are different. They don't get lost in each other. They don't live in land of fairy tales or romantic comedies. They accept that at the moment their paths are different but accept it doesn't mean they're wrong for each other. After the night at the lake simply they fall back into each other. And it happens so easily it's like it's the way things should be.

0000

She's waiting to get on the train to New York when she tells Finn she loves him.

She hasn't been holding it back. She hasn't been acting and it's not a lie. But it's the first time she's said it all summer. The words just tumble out of her mouth naturally. Finn smiles that goofy half smile and she just knows... The words... The expressions... It's natural. It's something they'll be doing the rest of their lives.


End file.
